Hell Pants

Many moons ago, deep in the fiery pits of Hell, a disgruntled fashion designer plotted his revenge upon a world that lacked appreciation for his vision. Perhaps his time in Hell was a result of some dispute with a woman. Perhaps she was cellulite-ey, with thighs like oak trunks and an arse like a balloon full of cottage cheese. Perhaps, as he burned for his sins, he came up with the perfect revenge upon this woman. A revenge so sweet that not only would its malevolence affect this one woman, but all women the world over.

That Hell-dweller schemed and plotted, and with the consent of a gleeful Devil, he gave the world leggings.

But leggings alone were not enough! He needed to do more! So he foisted upon an unsuspecting world the desire for all women to wear leggings, regardless of her body dimensions and fitness levels. The shinier the better! And to cap it all off, he instilled the desire for these women to wear those leggings not below skirts or under dresses; but as pants.

And thus, the world became a little bit worse, a little more grotesque, as people like me and you were forced to be privy to this affront to our eyeballs.


And so it will go, until the day that Hell freezes over and the spell that has been cast upon the Earth is broken - and in a shattering moment of clarity, millions of women look down to realise that while they thought they were looking good, they were in fact sharing with the world the most intimate details of their bodies by essentially going pant-less.

That day cannot come soon enough.