Same Old Problem

Monday, December 06, 2010

At the start of January, KJ and I will be going to Flavio's other sister's wedding. It almost goes without saying that Flavio's evil sister will be a bridesmaid, which brings me back to the same old problem I keep finding myself with at party after party. To punch her or not to punch her?

Obviously given that it's her sister's wedding and she will be one of the main participants, I can't just go punching her in the face. Not only will I be surrounded by her entire family, many of whom are cops; but punching her in the face will ruin her sisters wedding photos, and I have no problem at all with her sister.
But the urge to hurt her physically is so great. And yet again I find myself feeling guilty about wanting to hurt someone, which is completely unfair.

What has been hardest for me at the moment is that in the back of my mind I'm very aware of this upcoming event and my total inability to be nasty to her without feeling guilty. As a result, it's making for many varied and disturbing dreams in which my mind tries to play out the scenario ahead of time and let me tell her how I really feel.
They're all sort of the same - either I hit her and suffer the consequences, or I find myself screaming at her at the top of my lungs calling her a whore and other such niceties, only to have everyone stare at me as if I'm mentally unhinged. In one of them I'm pretty sure I killed her and then fled to another country. I may or may not have been watching too much 'Dexter' lately.

I wake up from these dreams every morning feeling angry and disturbed, and holding a grudge against KJ for his dream behaviour. Which I guess isn't so silly since his dream behaviour is just an exaggerated version of his real life behaviour. But to be fair it was quite a while ago now, even if I was only dreaming about it last night.

Men are stupid. And cruel. They know exactly how to completely derail a woman's self-confidence using nothing but their stupidity and their dicks. If they weren't so handy to have around for stuff like killing spiders and taking out the rubbish and... er, 'stress relief', surely we wouldn't put up with their bullshit.

So is my life from now on just going to be randomly made excruciatingly uncomfortable by having to attend these events where she will be? Am I going to feel shit about this forever? I don't want to be reminded of this stuff all the time. I want to move on and forget about it, but every time I see her or even hear her name I get so damn angry! And the only way to avoid her completely is to cut all ties with Flavio and the club in which KJ and all of Flavio's family are heavily involved. Demanding that KJ do that isn't going to make anything better. I'll just feel guilty and he will be annoyed. Which is pretty much the same result I would get if I just hit her.

So it seems like the best solution might actually just be to punch her and live with the guilt in aid of getting some closure.

At the very least I'm going to tell her exactly what I think of her. I swear I'm really going to do it this time and I'm not going to feel guilty about it at all. Or at least, not much. But I'm definitely not going to be nice to her like the last time I saw her. I am a woman of steel this time. I can do this!

Yep, I'm pretty sure I can do this.


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