Dear Internet,

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I need to tell you a secret, but you have to swear that you won’t tell anyone. At all. This has to just be between you and me. Do you promise not to tell? Ok, well here goes then.

You know how I really hate exercise? How I like to drive everywhere instead of walk? How I prefer to watch TV than go to the gym? How I loathe running unless I’m being chased (and even then I would only be running if it was life or death)?


I’m thinking about doing some exercise.

I know! It’s horrible! It’s terrible! It’s an awful guilty secret that’s been eating away at me inside for a while now, and I don’t know what to do! It just sort of sprung up on me in the last day or two. I blame the first sunny day we’ve had in forever. I blame finally waking up feeling good again for the first time since May. I blame the weird dream I had in which I went for an early morning jog with the guy from the TV show ‘Chuck’ (who freaks me out a little because he has the exact same hair as my brother. It’s like he stole his scalp). In the dream I was jogging and it felt good, and it made me happy.

I don’t jog! And it’s not just because of the dislike of exercise; it’s because of my other exercise related secret. What? You want to know that one too? Oh well, I’ve come this far, I may as well get it all out there.

I have a spazzy run.

No, that’s not a typo. I don’t mean that I have a snazzy run. I truly mean that I have the most uncoordinated looking run you’ll ever see. It’s like my arms and my legs get confused at having to all work at the same time, so my legs take over and there’s not enough coordination left to keep my arms from flailing around wildly. It’s a lot like when you see a kid trying to run after having a massive growth spurt, and they’re not sure how to cope with all the extra length in their body.

It’s genetic, I think. My sister runs the exact same way. I’ve never seen my Mum run, but I can only assume that’s because the run came from her and she’s avoiding running so no one will know.

That’s one of many reasons that I’ve avoided exercise, but now I have this strange, restless feeling that is telling me I need to do something. I’m not sure what to do about it. Exercise just for the sake of exercise isn’t something I’m interested in, because basically...well... it’s dull. If I’m going to get suckered into some form of physical movement, it has to have a secondary purpose so that I don’t feel as if I’ve given in to something that I really don’t enjoy. But what can I do? I can't go back to dancing, although I would still like to take swing dancing classes. Obviously we can count out anything that involves running - or even very brisk walking. So what does that leave?

I need your help internet. What can I do? Or even better, how can I make this weird urge to exercise go away?

Yours sincerely,

Not Cool

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Technology, specifically the internet, has made the world a much smaller place. It's not uncommon for people on opposite sides of the world to chat regularly, and romances spanning tens of thousands of miles are no longer a rare occurrence. Video web chat means that you can now look someone in another continent in the eye when you speak to them. The internet has created a virtual world which is practically borderless. I adore this virtual internet world that lets me buy foreign products, avoid supermarket chaos and indulge my scrabble obsession with other people the world over.

So why the hell is it that when I find something online that I really want, I can't bridge a mere 13,000kms to the USA to get it!? Outrageous!

I want these:

they’re cut out for action

But there isn't a single place in Australia that has them, or a single place in the USA that will ship the stupid things to me. Damn you international postage and you internet retailers too lazy to use it!

I feel a little let down. This tiny little world has suddenly become very vast and isolated. And it’s not just the cookie cutters that I have been denied by my beloved internet.

For the last month I’ve been counting down the days until the release of a new album by a band I like. August 16th arrived, and it was with immense excitement that I logged into iTunes and typed the name of the band into the search box.

Nothing. No new album. Confused, I went to the band’s website – yep, new album released today. I clicked through to iTunes to buy it and what did I get?! An arrogant little popup that told me I can’t buy the album because I don’t live in the UK!


What happened to the amazing, practically borderless virtual world that I have come to love so much? You’ve let me down, internet. I’m so disappointed. I thought you were cool, but you’re not – you’re just telling people what they want to hear so they’ll like you, and now you’ve been caught out in your lies. I love you a little less today because of it.

And don’t point out the irony of me writing about my disappointment with you on my Weblog, because no one likes a smart arse.

Celebrity-Free Election

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I despise politics with such intense passion that I've completely blocked all knowledge of it from my brain - even the most basic things that you learn in primary school. Left Wing? Pretty sure it's the one on a bird opposite the right wing. Caucus? Is that some kind of exotic fruit? Bicameral? That's an animal with two humps, right?

What I can say though, is that I feel a little upset that in the upcoming election, there isn’t a single celebrity candidate for the new head of the country.

In the USA, people like Arnie, Gary Coleman and Clint Eastwood have all delved into the world of politics, and I think that it helps to spice things up for people like me, who find politics incredibly dull and could use something to make it all a little more interesting.

The closest thing we have here is Peter Garrett, front man for Midnight Oil, and even that’s not quite as big a leap as having someone like Arnie step up because Peter Garrett is the Minister for Environment Protection, Heritage and the Arts, which, if you’ve ever listened to a Midnight Oil song, isn’t that big of a leap.

So instead, this Saturday I’ll be handing down to the local primary school to vote in the federal election to choose between our first female prime minister, Julia Gillard, who proved herself to be a true woman with a bit of bitchy back-stabbing of K-Rudd, or Tony Abbott, a man who willing appeared in public wearing budgie smugglers.

Would you want this man running your country?

Where are the celebrity candidates when you need them?

Drinks, Reindeer and Armpits with a Friend

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

On Saturday night I had dinner with my best friend who has been overseas for the last couple of months. Whenever she's been away, we have a huge catch up session over dinner and drinks, which usually results in us having to go out for another catch up because we can't really remember the first one.

We threw around a few ideas on where we could go for the night, and one suggestion was the local pub. I've lived in my house for over 4 years now, and in all if that time I've never managed to muster up the motivation to walk to my local, which is basically at the end of my street. This is mostly because my street is super steep, so it's an uphill walk and it's a well established fact that I'm too lazy for that sort of thing.

I checked out the distance from my house to the pub on google maps, and I realised that it's actually less than 500m. That means that I live closer to a bar than my best friend, who lives smack bang in the middle of Melbourne city centre. Provided you don't count strip clubs as bars, that is.

Given the proximity, we decided that it was our best option for a big catch up night. I searched deep down inside of me and mustered up some tiny dredges of motivation and we set off. I think knowing that my reward for the walk would be an ice cold beer probably helped.

It turns out that the pub is kind of a cool place. It's an old building built some time in the late 1800's, and the walls are covered in memorabilia and random junk, with things like old gas masks, statues and even an old prosthetic limb suspended from the ceiling. In the bar area, there is a big flat screen TV (showing the footy, of course), and right next to it was a mounted reindeer head which later in the night I became convinced was staring at me. In the bistro area a band was playing old rock songs, and just as I'd hoped the beer really was ice cold. So we found a seat, got settled in and started to catch up on eight weeks worth of gossip.

Several beers into the night, we found ourselves discussing realtionships, and in particular the huge amount of effort that goes into keeping a woman looking attractive.
I pointed out that once a woman is in a relationship, there comes a certain point where the regular routine maintenance starts to slide, and she can find herself letting things like shaving her legs go a lot longer than she would ever have when she was single. This, we decided, was probably at about the same time as you're able to safely change your facebook status to show that you're 'in a relationship' with someone without looking too over eager (or nerdy).

We decided that maybe the 'is in a relationship' status would be more appropriate if they changed it to 'has stopped shaving her armpits.'  We thought this was such a good idea that we declared that we would draft an email to the Facebook site designer first thing Sunday morning and demand that they change it immediately.

Needless to say, that email remains (thankfully) unwritten.

Letter to a Nerd

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Yesterday, like every other day for what feels like eternity (but in reality is probably about a month) it was freezing cold. The sun was weak, the wind was icy, and I was huddled behind my desk with the heater set to 'blazing inferno'.

KJ came upstairs to say goodbye (he's interstate for the next week) and as he sat down next to me, I noticed that next to him I looked pallid and sickly, like some cave dweller who might shrivel up if they ever saw the sun.

And that was it - I officially reached my limit for stupid cold weather, and I vowed that I was leaving this stupid city and moving somewhere where the temperature never drops below 25 degrees Celsius and the sun is always shining.

I hate cold weather and i've had enough. I feel as though my body has forgotten what warm weather is like. I'm sick of being cold and not rememebring what the sun looks like. I'm sick of having to defrost every time I walk inside. I'm sick of having to wear shoes! I hate wearing shoes!

When I got home that night, it was almost as though some kind of cosmic joker was watching over me and reading my thoughts. There was a letter for me.

It was from my doctor, and it read something like this:

Dear Torrygirl,

Your recent blood test results showed that you are seriously lacking in Vitamin D. Basically, you're pasty. Get out in the sun more, you nerd! Seriously. Move away from the computer, and make sure that you see the outdoors occasionally.

Dr. Nerd Spotter

Obviously I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the general gist of it. I'm seriously lacking in Vitamin D, and a doctor now tells me that I have to spend even more time outside in the freezing cold just so I can fix that. It's cruel.

I can't wait for summer.

Just wear red and 'the ladies' will love you!

Thursday, August 05, 2010

At least, that's what the research says.

And all you guys out there thought it was about your personality.

If only Warren had worn red, the ladies might have loved him a little more....


I have been crazy busy for the last week and a half preparing for an expo that the sales guys will be exhibiting at in Sydney at the start of next week. I was just in the process of winding up the last of the preparations today, when KJ came into my office.

KJ: So you know that Expo we have in Queensland on Tuesday...
Me: You mean Sydney.
KJ: Yeah....So you know that other Expo we have in Queensland on Tuesday...
Me: No. What?! Damn you!
KJ: Yeah, there’s another one we didn’t find out about until today...Sorry.

So just as I thought the craziness was over, the super craziness begins.

Lessons Learnt

Monday, August 02, 2010

I had a weekend filled with lots of random although largely uninteresting events. While none of them really rate an entire blog post, I found that I did learn a few things over the course of the weekend that might be worth noting:

  • Don’t have a bunch of beers and then attempt to play Scrabble. It’s hard.

  • Real life pirates don’t wear eye patches, have wooden legs, make people walk the plank, or have talking parrots sitting on their shoulders. Very disappointing.

  • Seeing a friend heading off to a war zone is both sad and worrying, even if you know that they’re pretty much guaranteed to be ok.

  • I still hate doing housework.

  • I’ve missed my best friend more than I realised. She’s been travelling overseas for 2 months and just got back this week. It was very good to see her again.

  • The amount of products that a person can buy when having a baby is both staggering and completely unnecessary. Some of the things that you can buy are just crazy. Also baby stuff still freaks me out.

  • Caffeine is my friend.

  • It's almost but not quite possible to submerge an entire car in a large puddle.

But aside from learning those few things, it was an otherwise dull weekend.