I’m furious with myself, because no matter how angry I am at someone, I can’t bring myself to let them know that I am and last night was a perfect example.
We went to an engagement party for the sister of the girl who I wanted to punch. I said that I’m not usually the sort of person who wants to physically hurt someone and that was the truth, which is why last night I decided on a non violent strategy for dealing with the evening.
So I got myself all dressed up and looking fantastic. I swore that I wouldn’t hit her, because that would kind of ruin the party for everyone, so I said that I would just ignore her, and if she tried to talk to me, I would tell her in no uncertain terms where she could stick it. And if she tried to talk to KJ, I would be even more nasty about it.
Did it work? No! Because for some ridiculous reason I can’t bring myself to be mean to someone like that! If someone talks to me, I can’t tell them to go to hell, because some stupid sense of decency or something that is ingrained in my brain says that I shouldn’t do it. So I’m totally and absolutely disgusted with myself, because not only was I not mean to her, I was polite and friendly! Argh! I couldn’t do it! She spoke to me, and my brain somehow overpowered my feelings of hatred and I responded as if I didn’t want to kick her in the head, which is not the case.
It’s always been like this for me. No matter how badly anyone has ever treated me, I can’t bring myself to be just as horrible back. It sucks. In high school there was a girl who was so completely and utterly cruel to me that I can’t even imagine what was going on in her head. I had so many opportunities to just give it right back to her, but I couldn’t. And if I ever did, even a little bit, the guilt would eat away at me. I think there’s something wrong with my conscience. It’s way too aware and in control of my actions.
It’s not like this girl doesn’t deserve it. She’s absolutely got it coming to her, so why can’t I tell her how I feel without feeling guilty about it? I’m so disappointed in myself.
The Confrontation...sort of
Sunday, January 17, 2010
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Stuff You Can Ignore
4 comments:
I know what you mean. I can't be mean to someone either unless they are being mean to me right in that moment. Just means we are the bigger people, right? Or something.
I like to think it means something along those lines. It would still be nice to be able to tell her what a horrible person she is without me feeling like the horrible one though.
Ya know, I bet if she was someone you saw more often, such as someone you work with, your patience would eventually run thin enough that you'd cut-loose on her. At least that's what happened with me and a guy I work with who constantly has to tell me about these stupid inventions he's thought up. Sadly, it's backfired on me because even though I tell him how useless his inventions would be, he now respects my brutally honest opinion and bothers me even more.
Oh I used to work with someone like that, but with her it was constantly talking about her car club. I could never bring myself to tell her to shut up though.
I think if I worked with this girl I would have punched her back in the beginning when I was good and angry and not thinking straight. I think I need to not overthink it.
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